Fear of Feeling Exposed, Vulnerable, Seen, Ridiculed, Appreciated and All the Above

An aspiring writer's journey to finding my purpose through authenticity, courage, and creativity.

I have undergone many changes in the last five years of my life. I would describe 18-23 as the cheapest Frontier airline ticket. Many delays, a turbulent ride, terrible customer service, cry babies, and maybe a near-death experience. Nonetheless, I still landed somewhat safe. I know life will chill out later, but I must survive the trials and tribulations to become the iconic woman I dream of.

I decided to start writing on Substack because I’ve been trying to build a website/blog for years. I was never passionate about writing until the summer of 2019. I just fell in love with telling a story, self-discovery, and fashion. One of the biggest lessons I have learned within the last five years is understanding and believing in myself, which was such a fun experience discovering all my uniqueness and creativity. I know that’s such a cliche thing to say and tap into, especially as a child of immigrants, but during COVID, I was uncomfortable being alone and wanted to explore that.

I had an immense amount of time on my hands and had to figure out who I was in this new stage of life. I discovered my core values, boundaries, likes, and dislikes through introspection. It was such an enlightening experience to uncover all the complexities and beauty that my blackness and African heritage have to offer outside the bounds of white supremacy and the patriarchy.

I realized I was tying my self-worth and personhood to my uniform and private school education. I thought I found comfort in my proximity to whiteness, which I believed saved me from the harsh realities of the world. I wasn’t being authentic to myself during that time, and that shows through the amount of low self-esteem I once had.

I’ve always been an anxious person, especially when it came to being the only black girl in white spaces. I noticed I was watering myself down to fit the white-washed black girl aesthetic. I felt like a sore thumb and an outcast, and I decided to lean into my uniqueness instead of trying to blend in. I found a place of solace within myself, my friends, my family, and my creativity. I didn’t know what it meant to be authentically me until a few years ago. I knew that I felt like shit trying to fit in with white sorority girls on campus, and I didn’t want to wear shorts and a T-shirt to campus daily. It was uncomfortable and uninspiring to wear sweatpants to class, and that’s when I noticed my outfits were a big part of my identity.

Fashion is a big part of my life now because I was denied that side of me for so long. I connected and exercised the muscle of intuition through my fashion. This sounds insane, but that is how I figure out my likes and dislikes based on what I pick, and I stand confident behind those decisions. Now, it is something I apply to my everyday life.

I’ve always been extremely grateful for the ability to go through private education my whole life. It is where I found my community, best friends, religion, work ethic, and much more. It also squashed any ounce of creativity or identity within myself. Everything I know and love has been something I had to discover outside of these white institutions. It’s very easy to adopt a mindset of blending in and not being seen, especially as a black girl in society. One thing that I consistently got in trouble for was talking too much or just being too much. I would describe myself as a very vibrant person. I love who I am and always have. I thought about how I’m so happy with myself and my personality, so what others think doesn’t and never matters.

This has saved me in many situations becuase people will try to tell you about yourself. Even the people closest to you but understanding self and discernment have made it easier to handle criticism and thoughts of others. I feel connected to that younger version of myself right now, unsure of what life has to offer, but I’m in a season of building and preparation. I’ve been here before and know that heavy pressure makes diamonds. Right now, it’s just about trying and having faith. So, I wanted my first post to be honest and truthful.

I am afraid of many things, even if my exterior may perceive the latter. The people close to me know I am kind, funny, and fiercely and passionately care about my family, friends, and passions. I’m also candid, and never will I allow disrespect to me or others. So, getting the courage to put yourself out there is hard, scary, and honestly, it can be very cringe-worthy. However, I must adopt the mindset that I can and will create beautiful and impactful work. I can’t achieve that if I never try. The faith I have in myself outweighs all the fears I may have.

Now that I have graduated college, I'm not questioning my personhood or my personal style but rather my career path and the rest of my life. It is everything else attached that creates doubt within me. Intelligence isn’t tied to a college degree, but I found myself doubting my writing abilities and intelligence, even though I continued higher education to strengthen those abilities. Doubt is the reason why I have so many essays drafted on my computer. I didn’t have the proper platform to showcase my writing or whether it was good enough, simultaneously having an undeniable knowing that my words would resonate with the right audience.

Maybe I think too highly of myself, but I know the thoughts I'm having and the things I like to write about are things I would read. I’m not here claiming to be a fantastic writer by any means, but I think building a community of like-minded people who have gone through similar struggles might find solace and peace in what I have to say. I know I find peace within black writers and artists. I relate so much to their music, art, and writing because I’ve gone through the same things. It’s about feeling seen. So, any fear I have of people judging me, my writing, my vulnerability, and all the above melts away at the sheer fact that one person may feel warmth in their soul and believe I’m writing to them becuase I am.