I Quit My First Corporate Job During A Hiring Freeze... now what?

girr, im trying!

**quick lil playlist**

The last two years have been such an emotional ride, with high highs and low lows. Graduating college was so bittersweet, but I've been ready to follow this deep sense of purpose and fulfillment. A seed was planted in the middle of my gut during my inception and creation, which grows louder and stronger when I listen, follow my heart, and follow what feels right.

I think about how badly I wanted to do well at my first job and how I felt like I was failing, no matter how much I overexerted myself. I have never experienced a situation where you put in 100% every single day and still come up backwards and wrong. If I had more time or worked at a slower pace, I would have been able to build that skill set. I was in a position where I had to stop ignoring myself and my gut.

I always tell my community that your words have power. Oh, how easily the negative self-thought ushered through when I was in the thick of trying to prove myself and my work ethic. I was using that as fuel to prove them wrong and prove myself wrong. But the negative self-talk of "you need to work harder and faster" turned into fear, which turned into anxiety. Then became crippling and debilitating emotions where I could not step into the office without fear of getting fired or something catastrophic happening because of my mistakes.

It was already hard navigating a new environment as a recent graduate, but also navigating how I show up as a Black woman in a predominantly white corporate space. This is a delicate dance that we only have to experience. I was extremely mindful of how I acted and presented myself because of the preconceived notions we, as black people, receive. That balancing act adds another layer of pressure on top of wanting to exceed company standards, which felt almost impossible to excel under. Then, symptoms of burnout became harder to ignore.

Your brain can play tricks on you and completely skew a situation different from reality. Nevertheless, I quit. I quit during a recession, a hiring freeze, mass layoffs, and the unraveling of our government before our very eyes. Oddly enough, I have never felt more confident in a situation. I am lucky to have the support of my family and friends, but even if everyone in the world thought it was a dumb decision, I know it was the right one to make. I am a very spiritual and religious soul. So I prayed daily about this situation, and my mom told me to always call on my spirits. So, on the day that I quit, I was anxious all day. I remember looking at myself in the mirror earlier in the morning, calling on my soul, my spirits, my ancestors, and everyone who has ever loved me. They were proud of me because I was proud of myself. I think about how far my family and lineage have come, and I am so proud of everything that we have accomplished thus far.

Once the end of the day rolled around, I gathered my letters, and my hands were shaking. The nervousness I felt walking into that office was insurmountable; each step felt heavier than the last. My face and ears flushed. I opened the door, and instantly, a rush of all types of emotions flooded through. My voice was scratchy, and tears began to fall at the moment my voice projected. I was admitting defeat. I could not do it anymore. I felt terrible for letting them down, the team, and myself, but still I quit. Well, I left feeling awful. The moment I clocked out, the relief that came over me was like a drug, a type of euphoria that should be manufactured. The type Rue is always feening for. I immediately felt like myself. I felt validated in my strengths as a person; I felt brilliant, I felt unique, I felt creative, and I felt like I wanted to twerk for hours. It was honestly one of the best feelings, finally standing up for myself. Emphasizing that I worked my ass off, gave a 100% every day under the pressure and stress, and I was leaving with my head held because I gave it my all. Who I am, what I do, and my work ethic transcends how fast I can get through work. My self-worth does not equate and should not equate with how well I'm doing at work. Obviously, that's easier said than done. Quitting validated and unlocked a part of myself I've been neglecting. While that wasn't the right environment for me, I've grown so much in terms of speed, intelligence, and overall knowledge of corporate life. I am so grateful to have been in a space to learn, make mistakes and be in a work environment that was positive and wanted to see me thrive.

Although it was a good first experience, I couldn't ignore the beautiful flower that was my intuition, withering away each day. The minute I left that day, it felt like life was poured back into me, and I remembered who I was.

What makes me feel okay about quitting in the most terrible climate is that I was meant to. I can't even lie; I am not fearful, which is a blessing to have blind confidence in my future. I am genuinely at peace at this moment. Everything is going to work out for me because it always does. I now know what environment I work well under and what type of work I want to do. Your mindset can be a scary place, but also a place of great manifesting and abundance. I'm focusing on all the good, gratitude, and free time I have to hone in on all the skills I want to learn.

I am not saying everyone should quit their jobs because, at the end of the day, we all need to make money. I'm saying have more faith in yourself and listen to your intuition, which will never steer you wrong.

byeeee :)